shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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