he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she told me i tasted like america
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
