I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
