Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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