I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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