she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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