Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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