I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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