he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
