he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
