She announced her abortion via fbk
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
