Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
