Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize