Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
