Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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