i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
