I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
