I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
