I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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