I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
