So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
