after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
