you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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