I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
