my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Green mimosas i think yes
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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