I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
