Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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