my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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