can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
