hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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