Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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