I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
