Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
id be glad to
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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