I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
