Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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