my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
