The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
