Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
