I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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