(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
