Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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