In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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