I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
