how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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