i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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