dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
