Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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