there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
