How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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