you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
