I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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