glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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