i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
