i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
