you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
