i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
