She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
