I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
