My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
